Jigsaw

     We have only ourselves. Becoming more and more sure of this as i age, as each day passes. I have a hollow in me. Like the "Nothing" that transpires in The never ending story. It consumes and its hunger is only satisfied temporally.

     So i take you and i place you under my skin. A scratch on my film strip. Not removable, even when you remove yourself. Just echos that reverberate the acts and words that you said, bouncing of the walls of my hollow. I feel like a jigsaw and im tired of riding a tired heart with segments missing. I just want to find a heart that is missing parts that i have and has parts that im missing.

The Ember

       Its been almost six months since i last posted. A human body is 60% water and the water in your body gets replaced every 6 months. So as i write to you, more than half of me is someone different. The rest has been so changed. Im nothing now to what i was then.

       I cant remember the last time i took a photo that clasped my heart and made me run red. Everyday i touch images. Everyone elses. Little glimpses into other peoples happiness. Holidays, birthdays, couples, family members, pets, new places, old favorite places. None mine. At the moment i feel impotent, powerless and caged. I live like a vagrant moving from one borrowed bed to another. Depending on others kindness. A splinter of past greatness that gently glows. I lost my humbleness and i dared to congratulate myself too much. I forgot what it was like to fail.

      Things are different now. Im hungry and lean with a bag full of day dream thoughts holding clenched fists, steam powered pumping, ratchet clinking relentless. My back against the mat holding on and i know the universe is testing me. So pummel my hopes, hammer my spirit and chastise my heart like a creative cuckold. Because if im still able to stand when you pause to get breath, thats when this wonder bomb fragments. I wont be an ember anymore. Prepare to squint.

Welsh Camping

       I sat around a camp fire with friends. I slept under black glass. I climbed a mountain and viewed silver laces below. I swam in a river and threw boulders. I laughed, i smiled and i was thankful.

I went to brighton

Everyone loves the sea. It stretches wide like arms and everyone wants to hug the ocean because it is just so much.

Tear its arms off

      Have you ever seen the new King Kong film? Well in it there's this scene between King Kong and two tyrannosaurus rex'. They are fighting and it finishes with King Kong biting its tongue off and ripping its jaw off from its head. In a way my degree was like this scene. Me being King Kong and the Dinosaurs representing everything that tried to bring me down, stand in my way, make me feel bad, feel guilty, feel not good enough, demotivated. Well on Monday ill know my degree mark. Monday is Jaw snapping day. Blood will pour.

Where are you?

They say the darkest hour is the moment just before the dawn but sometimes i fear that the light will come too late. Greeting a face with faith absent, hope a stranger to abundance, illusions dismantled, experience poisonous and memories sour. Im fed up of having bruised knuckles and split lips, being painted to appeal to others scripts. Restore me. Show me that unconditional still exists.

ive not grown up yet..

"when you’re a little kid you’re a bit of everything; Scientist, Philosopher, Artist. Sometimes it seems like growing up is giving these things up one at a time."

- The Wonder Years